Last night I made brownies for Jesse and put chunks of chocolate mint wafer in them and I’m having one this morning with some coffee and it’s yummy.
I’ve got this incredible yearning for a dog. It’s so freaky and strong. I think it’s greatly increased by reading sundry everyday.
It’s snowing.
I’ve got a pile of papers to correct and a lesson to write.
Last night Jesse reminisced about a time last spring when we BBQ’d in the cold in our backyard and also had (too rich, it made us sick) mac-n-cheese and then went to a movie at the Laurelhurst with Erin and Adam and the memory made me melancholy.
I’m bummed. Bummed, bummed, bummed. Life is tough, I tell you. Jesse and I have to tell our schools next week whether we’ll being staying another year and I don’t want to. Jesse does. We still have another 6 months, I can’t imagine adding on another year. But I’m suffused to my core with guilt. He likes the job, the money’s good and he wants to keep learning Japanese. I, on the other hand, don’t really like myself here (lowest self-confidence of my life), don’t like the job, miss my family and don’t even enjoy Japan. But why do I win? I’m not sure, but he says we can go, not stay, but I can tell he really hates me for it. Only I hope he doesn’t hate me, you know. Agh. Hopefully, I’ll find something else fantastic for us to do. Granted, it won’t be what I’d really like (settling in a bit, getting a satisfying job I can sink my teeth into, getting a dog, BBQing with family/friends, driving to the coast and watching the sun set) because Jesse’s still full of the travel bug (though by travel he means, “live somewhere difficult for more than 6 months”) but at least it might be something I enjoy, too. I apologize for that last sentence - does it make sense? To sum up; I want to leave when our contract is up in July, he wants to stay. He’s acquiesced. I feel very, very bad. If we don’t stay it doesn’t mean we’re moving home. So don’t get all excited, family.
OK, enough. My stomach hurts from that brownie/coffee combo.