So I realized why I just feel desperate to leave. It's not that I hate Japan or this job (they're different and difficult, but I can take it) but because I don't like myself here. I am grumpy, angry and confused all the time. I'm too sensitive, I take things Jesse says too literally and feel hurt and frustrated and then stew about it for a few hours before confronting him and making him feel bad. It's out of control. I don't like this part of me. I nit-pick and I think I whine. I just don't much like myself. I don't like how I look, I don't like how I act, and I really don't like how I feel. I think it's all due to some mysterious, very low self-confidence. It's getting better everyday. I'm better than last week and last week was better than the week before. It was much easier when I believed Jesse only had eyes for me. I (naively, I know, it's crazy) believed he was oblivious to other women. And finding out he finds Asian women hot (I know, every guy does...does every guy? Responses welcome) is a HUGE bomb because we're here. In Japan. Surrounded by the skinniest women in the world. It's a huge hurdle for me to get past and I'm getting closer every day.
Erin directed me to this fantastic site and I've spent the day being alternately touched and appalled at all the various apologies and replies. Everybody keeps saying 'they're sorry and they did all they could' but I think what should be said is that we'll do everything we can. And not just 4 years from now but in the time between. I'm not saying I've got any good ideas, though. There must be something we could all do to help the world.
Tonight I have english club (at my school) and I'll show the students (all 5 or so) how to make apple pie. I know it sounds like fun, but I'm also a little worried that it'll go wrong.
Jesse's doing NaNoWriMo and he's working really hard and I'm sure he'll finish. It's cool, and I admire his tenacity. It made me want to try keeping myself to some program and I've decided I will draw or paint something everyday for a month. So there. My goal is not to produce a body of work, but to get excited again about art. Yay!