Oh, help. Today is not good. I'm crazy, my brain is spinning in my head, I really want to give up, I want to go home. Or at least I'd like to get out of my head - it won't stop thinking about everything that's wrong. I just... I don't understand... I'm...confused. I don't understand men at all. I feel sometimes like I don't know Jesse at all and he's a scary stranger. I hate it, I feel HORRIBLE. But I know he's a wonderful, sweet, kind man who loves me. Isn't that lucky? I mean, aren't I really lucky? And when I think of how awful
Brendan made me feel (sorry,
B) because he didn't love me. I would have put up with anything so that he'd love me enough at the time. And
Jerry, too, didn't really love me - no matter how much he went on about it.
But Jesse does. And he's so fucking smart. And he thinks hard about politics and social issues - he's a good person. It's just he grossed me out and I'm scared. And I don't even know of what.
And I finally got an email back from Sherrie (moved to England in May) and she's out of her head she's so happy (of course, she's in England, who wouldn't be). They're getting married in Nov! I can't go! And it makes me cry and I want my life back. The one where I knew what to do and who I was and that I was a good person. Good enough, I hope.
I'm so sad and tired. I really want to run away.